So Lately

I've been having these strange dreams. This always happens when things are particularly problematic in my life. I'd love to pretend that I have it all figured out, that my life has somehow... resolved since I first began using blogging as a tool to deal with what was at the time, a failed relationship. And not just that. I'd fallen into a major depression. Sure, the relationship issue had been the catalyst, but there were other issues. And... I'll come back to some of that, it's too much for one blog.

But back to the dreams. Over and over I have these dreams where I'm given these additional infants and children somehow via circumstances and relationships - the situations are always highly fantastical. Also, there is always some sort of peril to said children who incidentally, always come along with additional baggage - pets. And usually, this is the source of great stress and nerve-wracking dream hours for me. Keeping the pets from harm, remembering to feed them all, getting food for them despite the difficult conditions, just trying to keep all of my charges nurtured and alive.

Always, I'm in it alone. There's nobody else to count on. Just like in real life. Other women have men who just take care of them. I don't just mean physically, I mean emotionally as well. They just do it. I don't get it, I don't understand it, but I know that no one will ever do that for me. I don't know why. But finally, I know that I need that help. I think I could actually let someone else in, something I've never really been able to do before, but there's just an empty hallway outside.